My mom and dad. Photo property of the author.
Are you more like your mom or your dad? What makes you similar?
When I saw this prompt by Rodrigo S-C, it grabbed me. I immediately thought about my daughter. We’re estranged. I’ve seen firsthand the pain that can flow from mental illness, like shock waves from a grenade.
Haven’t we all, though?
Mental illness is prevalent. I believe mind and body are one. Illness is illness. The brain is a physical structure. I see no difference between a stomach ache and a headache. A gut feeling. We all face ailments of the mind and body throughout our lives.
I’ve grown from this and learned to hold two opposing thoughts in my mind as a key to good mental health. Said another way, this-or-that thinking is a sign of an unhealthy mind.
Being estranged from a daughter, there’s a thing that happens. Alienation of a parent and child is the ultimate this-or-that conflict applied to the most personal of relationships. When a child chooses one parent over the other, or when a parent creates circumstances for children to make that choice, it’s devastating.
This prompt, in many ways, provides the most powerful exercise to foster a healthy mind. It offers an opportunity to hold love and hurt at the same time, for the most powerful of relationships — our parents.
To practice non-dualism, I made a game. It’s called The Whole Mind Game. It’s seven questions to help me achieve “yes — and” thinking, to have a healthy mind. I’ve never played the game with my parents as the tension, and that’s just what this prompt prompted me to explore.
Here’s how The Whole Mind Game works:
In the game, we ask seven questions.
The questions can be moulded to fit the scenario. So, in this case, I’ll be asking, “What do I love/dislike most about myself from my mom/dad?”
What do I love most about myself from my mom?
Mom (may she rest in peace) had an infinite well of energy to enjoy life. She danced and sang with the greatest of smiles. She was always the last to leave the party. No gathering started too late. If you showed up at her door anytime, day or night, she’d put food on the table. She’d host an instant party.
This, I take from my mom. I have an infinite well of energy to enjoy life.
What do I dislike most about myself from my mom?
Mom put her fears into me. I grew up very, very shy. Whenever I would try to spread my wings, she brought up everything that could go wrong. She, herself, worried much too much. I think she lived a life feeling judged. And, I can only imagine, a woman of her generation, what that must have been like.
This, from my mom, I have mostly grown out of. Most people I meet today would have no idea how shy I am under the surface.
What do I love most about myself from my dad?
His generosity. If I called my dad now (he’s still with us, I don’t call enough), and asked for a favor, he’d drop everything and do it. This ‘do anything for anyone’ trait is in all of us, my sister, brother, and me. I love that about us.
What do I dislike most about myself from my dad?
His selfishness. What? I thought he was generous? I know. Right. It’s strange how that happens. In many ways, my dad is self-centered. He’s not exactly the most empathetic type. Here’s a thing. My dad has never said to me, “I love you.”
That hurts. But then, I think, a man of his generation, maybe those words are just not said. It’s not masculine to express love, to hug, you know, icky stuff like that.
I used to be cold like that, too. Kind of robotic-like. Not anymore. But I still need to practice empathy every day. Most people would describe me as a loving soul who loves, loves, loves to hug. And I do. But it didn’t come naturally.
What’s the best of the best?
It’s beautiful, really, when I take the best of the best from my parents. I become an infinite well of joy and generosity. An unconditional lover. That’s my north star. That’s the man I strive to be every day.
What’s the worst of the worst? The trap!
Oh boy, the shadow side is so bad. Fearful and selfish. I look at that shy little boy who used to hide under the table at family gatherings. He was afraid to speak and lived inside his own head.
What are ways to live the synergy and recognize the trap?
For this game, that begs the original question.
Am I more like my mom or your dad?
When I’m at my best, I’m the best of my mom and my dad. I’m joyful and loving like my mom and generous like my dad.
How do I recognize the trap?
I still drift off into this space. Into my own head. It can be paralyzing. I can be careless with my words. This fearful, selfish guy is the shadow side. When I recognize him, that’s the trap!
I’m less and less like him every day.
My mantra to live the synergy and recognize the trap:
Be an infinite well of joy and generosity